


Romebeau and Yashliet

by legalgood



Category: Critical Role (Web Series), Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare
Genre: F/F, Gen, In the play r&j are both technically underage but in this au I'm going with CR canon ages, It's a r&j au but it doesnt get sad bc jester can heal folks, Temporary Character Death, it's amazing to put curses into lines of iambic pentameter, oh there's quite a bit of swearing, other characters show up, out a shitton of diamonds maybe but fine, she gets mad but everyone is fine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 10:21:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15772176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legalgood/pseuds/legalgood
Summary: Two houses, of a similar degree,In Nicodranis, where this scene we play,Break ope’ old wounds of pointless rivalry,And strive to ruin fair princess’ day.From forth these warring houses did emergeA pair of dumb-ass girls who were in love;They moved so slow that love-song turned to dirge;Houses’ contention took their lives—sort of,For—after diamond’s ‘spenditure—they’re fine—Both houses, after that expensive ‘ventDid put aside their quarrel and did deignTo hold a feast, ere which much coin was spentOn decorations, candy, and the like.So, ‘fore this prologue oversteps its timeThis tragedy shall now commence… PSYCH!Fuck it, just start the play, I’m out of rhymes.





	Romebeau and Yashliet

**Author's Note:**

> I love billy's plays and also women so here it is! I saw an awesome r&j production and spent the whole play laughing in my head about those dumb horny teens
> 
> The Queen Mab speech is lifted wholesale from the original play by billiam shakespeare; I can totally imagine Mollymauk spouting that great load of fantastical bullshit, and the shocked looks on Beau and Fjord's faces afterward.

Dramatis Personae

 

 

 

JESTER _princess of Nicodranis (JESTER)_

 

BO _a young nobleman, kinsman to Jester_

 

DAIRON and TUBO _heads of the Cobalt House_

GUSTAV and DESMOND _heads of the Fletching & Moondrop House_

BEAUREGARD _monk of the Cobalt House (BEAU)_

 

MOLLYMAUK _kin to Jester, and friend to Beauregard_

FJORD _well regarded by Dairon, and friend to Beauregard_

NOTT _master duelist of the Fletching & Moondrop House_

CADUCEUS _a cleric and apothecary_

ZEENOTH _advisor to Beauregard_

 

MONA and YULI _servants to the Fletching & Moondrop House_

FRUMPKIN _Caleb’s cat and assistant_

 

JENNAH _archivist of the Cobalt House_

YASHA _heir to the Fletching & Moondrop House_

 

CALEB _friend to Yasha_

ORNA _a citizen of Nicodranis_

KIRI _a servant to Fletching & Moondrop House_

THE TRAVELER _a master storyteller_

* * *

 

 

 

PROLOGUE

_  
_

_THE TRAVELER_ Two houses, of a similar degree,

In Nicodranis, where this scene we play,

Break ope’ old wounds of pointless rivalry,

And strive to ruin fair princess’ day.

From forth these warring houses did emerge

A pair of dumb-ass girls who were in love;

They moved so slow that love-song turned to dirge;

Houses’ contention took their lives—sort of,

For—after diamond’s ‘spenditure—they’re fine—

Both houses, after that expensive ‘vent

Did put aside their quarrel and did deign

To hold a feast, ere which much coin was spent

On decorations, candy, and the like.

So, ‘fore this prologue oversteps its time

This tragedy shall now commence… PSYCH!

Fuck it, just start the play, I’m out of rhymes.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

  

 

 

ACT I

 

 

SCENE 1

_Nicodranis. A public place._

_[Enter MONA and YULI, of the Fletching & Moondrop House, armed with daggers.]_

_MONA_                      Yuli, this is the boringist goddamn street in Nicodranis.

 

_YULI_                          You’re damn right it is. Not even any Cobalt monks to jeer at.

 

_MONA_ Yeah, if there were monks at least we could fuck with them.

 

_YULI_                          Speak of the devil! Here come some Cobalt archivists now.

 

_MONA_ Let the mockery commence, I’ve my dagger drawn.

 

_YULI_                          Remember what Jester said about fighting in the street? I’ll just sneer as they pass, and let them make something of it.

 

_MONA_                      I think I’ll just flip ‘em off.

 

_[Enter JANNAH and ZEENOTH]_

_JANNAH_                 Hey, are you flipping us off??

 

_MONA_ I dunno, am I??

 

_JANNAH_                 Are. You. Flipping. Us. Off?

 

_MONA                     [Aside to YULI]_ Is Jester gonna flip if I say yes?

 

_YULI_ Probably!

 

_MONA_                      Nah, I was just, you know, casually flipping off the world.

 

_YULI_                          Are we gonna have a problem?

 

_ZEENOTH_ No, no we’ll just be on our way, no need for fighting.

 

_MONA_ If you do wanna fight, I’ll stick my dagger in your ribs. Your Cobalt snootiness doesn’t make you any better than us.

 

_ZEENOTH_             I’m sure I mean no offence in my manner—

 

_YULI_                          Look, our other sister’s on the way! Let’s cream these bastards.

 

_[YULI advances on JENNAH, and FJORD enters]_

_FJORD_ What in the ever-lovin’ fuck’s goin’ on?

Yuli, leave poor Jannah here alone.

 

_[Enter NOTT]_

_NOTT_                       I’m freshly drunk and an’ angling for a fight!

Godsdamnit, Fjord, you always ruin the fun.

 

_FJORD_                     Nott, my only aim’s to stop this tussle.

Would’ya but care to lend a helpin’ hand?

 

_NOTT_                       To your offer I extend a cricket’s rustle,

And by my hand a different offer brandish.

Fuck you, draw!

 

_[They fight]_

_[Enter, several of both houses, who join the fray; then enter Orna, with a torch]_

 

_ORNA_                       Both of your houses are arseholes! T’the Nine Hells with all y’all!

 

_[Enter GUSTAV and DESMOND]_

_GUSTAV_                  Oh Hells, Des, would you please give me my sword?

 

_DESMOND_            I’d think it’s better settled without more blood.

 

_GUSTAV_                  But Dairon here is come! I’ll need my sword.

Her presence is itself on me a spite.

 

_[Enter DAIRON and TUBO]_

_DAIRON_                  And so, Fletching & Moondrop come to play?

Unhand me, friend, I’ll not so rashly strike.

 

_TUBO_ Patience upon this ground will suit you wise.

 

_[Enter JESTER, with attendants]_

_JESTER_                   Why is it always you that breaks my peace??

Have not you dickheads better things to do?

From year that did my mother pass the crown,

You jerks have made my ruling time a hell

With fights and endless streams of wounds to heal,

And by the Traveler’s cloak I’m fucking done!

I’ll suffer it no longer in my town,

You fuckers best be able to be civil

Unto myself and so unto each other.

On pain of death, no fights in Nicodranis.

Now scatter, shoo, afore the lollipop

Descends to crack your stubborn-minded skulls.

 

_[Exeunt all but DAIRON, TUBO, and FJORD]_

_DAIRON_                  Alright, who was it started that there fight?

Fjord, did your birdlike eyes take in the scene?

 

_FJORD_ Aye, I saw the way the fight began.

The sisters Knot, of Fletching-Moondrop House

Did menace there two of our archivists,

And on that moment presently arrived

Myself and Nott, their duelist, who was drunk

She urged a fight, and I my falchion drew,

And then came more and more to join our quarrel.

In the midst of that fighting did come Jester,

Who called a stop to all bloodshed forthwith.

 

_TUBO_                   Say, Fjord, have you seen Beauregard to-day?

I’m glad she was not _here_ , but still, tell, pray.

 

_FJORD_                     Uh, Lady Beauregard was on sojourn,

Down by the docks, I think? Or, maybe not,

Perhaps in the close woods, to contemplate?

I know she’s less than apt at meditation,

Where might she go to practice the calm art?

In odd humors she’s been of late. I fear

Some great displeasure is what weighs her mind.

She’ll not speak it to me, regardedless.

 

_DAIRON_                  I’ve seen her in the training room of recent,

Giving such blows as make me fear my life

Were I to ‘cieve them from the other end.

She spends long hours there, and sleeps

In fits and bursts between the working days.

I can’t divine what ails my heiress so,

And she’ll not speak with me this either.

If we could but assure what is the cause,

We’d remedy with swiftness and precision.

 

_[Enter BEAUREGARD]_

_FJORD_                     Let me speak with Beauregard a while,

I’ll press her further for her cause of grief.

 

_DAIRON_                  Our thanks with you if you’re successful here.

 

_[Exeunt DAIRON and TUBO]_

 

_FJORD_                     Howdy, Beau.

 

_BEAU_ Hey dude, what time is it?

 

_FJORD_                     9am.

 

_BEAU_ Ah fuck, it seems so much later.

Was that Dairon who just walked out of here?

 

_FJORD_ Yeah. Say, what’s wrong, that your day’s so long in so few hours?

 

_BEAU_ Keg’s pissed at me.

 

_FJORD_ Ah, problems in the, uh, love department, then.

Fuckin’ sucks how love can get you down.

 

_BEAU_ Yeah, a cruel punishment for badass babes

Is falling so in love with one another

That it does freeze the reflexes which can,

At any time but this, catch arrows and

Toss them back in the face of enemies.

But in the face of Keg no motion comes!

No words can form upon besotted tongue!

And when words form, their manners are right rude,

And so is Keg annoyed with my persistence.

She says she’s not one to fall in love,

And I was much the same until quite recent

When I did realize the depth of feeling

Keg’s words and warm… heart—did draw from me.

 

_FJORD_                     Now, that’s mighty unfortunate to hear.

 

_BEAU_                         Dude, I know! It’s all a fucking mess.

I’m heading to the training room to sweat,

And leech my feelings from my pores, I hope.

 

_FJORD_                     I’ll go with you, if you’ll my company.

 

_BEAU_                         Sure, les’go.

 

_FJORD_                     While we’re walkin, ‘s there more to tell

Of your great misadventure wooin’ Keg?

 

_BEAU_                         We fucked, and then I caught a case of feelings.

That’s all told, it wasn’t much to tell.

She’s sworn off love, and it does make her wiser,

At least than poor fool me, in any case.

I just wish to have her from my mind.

 

_FJORD_                     Well, then, frequent taverns and the like,

I’m sure there’s ladies who will catch your eye,

And then you’ll forget Keg who can’t be had.

 

_BEAU_                         Fjord, that’s the best idea you’ve had today.

Fuck training, to the tavern straightaway!

 

[ _Exeunt_ ]

 

SCENE II

_A street._

 

_[ENTER GUSTAV, BO, and Servant]_

_GUSTAV_ Dairon won’t risk the princess’s keen wrath;

For neither of us are youthful hotheads.

 

_BO_                              You’re both of venerated statue, lord,

And would be force to reckon should you ally.

But that’s beside my business. So, what news?

 

_GUSTAV_                  I told you, she is not ready to wed,

Give us more time to see if her will’ll change.

Say, I’ll present a carnival to-night,

And speak with her then, and see what wooing

May or may not serve your good intentions.

I’ll speak to her after our fair show,

And hope to ‘range the nuptials to you.

 

_[To KIRI, giving a stack of flyers]_

 

Young Kiri, if you would deliver this

Throughout Nicodranis, to the friends

Of this fine house, say they are welcome here

This night; there is to be a carnival!

 

_[Exeunt GUSTAV and BO]_

_KIRI_                   Welcome here! There is to be a carnival! Friends of this fine house! A carnival!

 

_[Enter FJORD and BEAUREGARD]_

_FJORD_                     Beau, I told you, this will do the trick.

Find another gal, it’ll work out.

You’ll forget Keg, and all the pain she brings.

Just wait a while, I’m sure someone’ll come.

 

_BEAU_                         You might need some healing herbs for that.

 

_FJORD_                     For what??

 

_BEAU_                         That bruise.

 

_FJORD_                     Are you fuckin’ alright, Beau?

 

_BEAU_                         The fuck? Of course I’m not fucking alright?

I’m super fucked up—oh hey, it’s Kiri!

 

_KIRI_                            It’s Kiri!! Welcome! There is to be a carnival!

 

_BEAU_                         A carnival? At whose house is this leisure?

 

_KIRI_                            This fine house! Friends!

 

_FJORD_                     The Fletching & Moondrop house, then ‘tis?

 

_KIRI_                            Fletching & Moondrop house! A carnival! Friends of this fine house! Welcome!

 

_BEAU_ Damn, I’d love to see the carnival.

 

_KIRI_                            Friends!!

 

_BEAU_                         We’re friends of Kiri, not friends of your kin.

 

_KIRI_                            Go fuck yourself!

 

_BEAU_ Did Jester teach you that?

 

_KIRI_ I am very sweet.

 

_FJORD_                     Good to have met you here, now we’ll anon.

Bye, Kiri.

 

_KIRI_ Bye, Kiri!

 

_[Exit]_

 

_FJORD_                     Keg may well be at this carnival,

I say we go in secret, and compare

The pain-bring face of Keg to that some other

Lady there, and see if we can drown out

The pain of unrequite with a new flame.

 

_BEAU_                         I don’t know, man, ‘cause Keg is really hot.

And also, I don’t like to compare ladies,

Because they all are really, really hot,

Especially if they are buff and strong.

 

_FJORD_                     Fine, but at least please do come with me,

I’d rather not venture their den alone.

And maybe they’ll be ‘nother “maiden fair”

To catch your eye and have it linger there.

 

_BEAU_                         A’ight I’ve been convinced. To th’ carnival!

 

_[Exeunt]_

 

SCENE III

_A room in the Fletching & Moondrop house_

_[Enter DESMOND and CALEB]_

_DESMOND_            Caleb, would you please fetch Yasha here?

 

_CALEB_                      Ja, I’ve called for her last candlemark.

Her mind is still her own, and her time, too.

Yasha, would it please you to be here?

 

_[Enter YASHA]_

 

_YASHA_                      Who’s here, Caleb?

 

_CALEB_                      Desmond’s here.

 

_YASHA_ Hi.

 

_DESMOND_            Caleb, would you leave us here a while?

 

_YASHA_                      Caleb stays.

 

_DESMOND_            Should this be your wish, it may be so.

You’re of good age to marry, dear my child—

 

_YASHA_                      No.

 

_DESMOND_            No?

 

_YASHA_                      No.

 

_DESMOND_ But Bo is of our good princess’s house,

A fine suitor for any lady’s hand.

 

_YASHA_                      I’ll bear his company at carnival,

But be warned, no man’s wooing will my heart

Or hand entice. I shall not marry Bo.

 

_[Enter KIRI]_

_KIRI_                            Welcome! Friends! Carnival!

 

_DESMOND_ Ah, seems the festival is here at hand.

 

_CALEB_                      Ja, Yasha, go and have fun in the throng.

I’ll here with Frumpkin stay and guard the room.

 

_FRUMPKIN_           Meow

 

_YASHA_                      I wish I could stay with you and Frumpkin.

 

_CALEB_                      Fear not, my friend. I’m sure it will be… fun.

 

_[Exeunt all but Caleb]_

 

SCENE IV

_A street._

 

_[Enter BEAUREGARD, MOLLYMAUK, FJORD, with five or six Maskers, Torch-bearers, and others]_

_BEAU_                         So, are we accepting Kiri’s invite?

 

_FJORD_                     Sure, but only if we go in masks.

We’ll sneak in, and see what happens.

 

_BEAU_                         Sounds like a Molly plan, if I’m honest.

Fuck, I can’t see, gimme a damn torch.

 

_MOLLYMAUK_ But it’s so much fun to see you stumble.

 

_BEAU_ Fuck you, Molly.

 

_MOLLYMAUK_     I thought you were in love with Lady Keg!

 

_BEAU_                         Too much in love, and her, in love too little.

 

_MOLLYMAUK_     Ha! The fool love’s made of you’s my jest.

Can you not kick love in his cruel behind,

And banish him from your so weighted form?

 

_BEAU_                         Believe me, dude, I’ve tried to kick love’s ass.

 

_FJORD_                     Y’all, we’re nearly at the carnival.

 

_MOLLYMAUK_     Let’s go, we’re burning daylight, come on, gays!

 

_BEAU_                         Guys, this is so weird, it’s like my dream.

 

_MOLLYMAUK_ That’s wild, I had a weird dream to.

 

_BEAU_                         Molly I don’t want to hear your sex dream.

 

_FJORD_                     Uh.

 

_MOLLYMAUK_     It wasn’t a sex dream.

 

_FJORD_                     Then what dream was it, then?

 

_MOLLYMAUK_     I dreamed that Beau is full of shit!

And lo, here it comes true, as it does daily!

 

_BEAU_                         Fuck you, Mollymauk. This dream was real!

 

_MOLLYMAUK_     O, then, I see Queen Mab

hath been with you.

She is the fairies’ midwife, and she comes

In shape no bigger than an agate-stone

On the fore-finger of an alderman,

Drawn with a team of little atomies

Athwart men’s noses as they lie asleep;

Her wagon-spokes made of long spiders’ legs,

The cover of the wings of grasshoppers,

The traces of the smallest spider’s web,

The collars of the moonshine’s watery beams,

Her whip of cricket’s bone, the lash of film,

Her wagoner a small grey-coated gnat,

Not so big as a round little worm

Prick’d from the lazy finger of a maid;

Her chariot is an empty hazel-nut

Made by the joiner squirrel or old grub,

Time out o’ mind the fairies’ coachmakers.

And in this state she gallops night by night

Through lovers’ brains, and then they dream of love; O’er courtiers’ knees, that dream on court’sies straight, O’er lawyers’ fingers, who straight dream on fees,

O’er ladies’ lips, who straight on kisses dream,

Which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues, Because their breaths with sweetmeats tainted are: Sometime she gallops o’er a courtier’s nose,

And then dreams he of smelling out a suit;

And sometime comes she with a tithe-pig’s tail Tickling a parson’s nose as a’ lies asleep,

Then dreams, he of another benefice:

Sometime she driveth o’er a soldier’s neck,

And then dreams he of cutting foreign throats,

Of breaches, ambuscadoes, Spanish blades,

Of healths five-fathom deep; and then anon

Drums in his ear, at which he starts and wakes,

And being thus frighted swears a prayer or two

And sleeps again. This is that very Mab

That plats the manes of horses in the night,

And bakes the elflocks in foul sluttish hairs,

Which once untangled, much misfortune bodes:

This is the hag, when maids lie on their backs,

That presses them and learns them first to bear, Making them women of good carriage:

This is she—

 

_BEAU_                         Molly, first of all, the FUCK was that?

 

_FJORD_                     Yeah, what in the Sam Hill did that all mean?

 

_MOLLYMAUK_     It means you’re full of shit, obviously.

 

_FJORD_                     Fuck, we should be on our way posthaste,

What if the carnival is at a close

And while we’re dunking Beau, we missed the fun?

 

_BEAU_                         You’re right dude, les’go les’ go les’go!

 

_MOLLYMAUK_     The country roads have come to take me home!

To the carnival, gaydies and gents!

 

_[Exeunt]_

 

SCENE V

_A tent outside the Fletching & Moondrop house._

_[Enter GUSTAV, with YASHA and other friends of his house, meeting the Guests and Maskers]_

_GUSTAV_                  Welcome, friends, to this good carnival!

In some moments hence it will begin.

Come, all, and sit about this drapéd tent!

 

_[The carnival begins; DESMOND leads the show, MOLLYMAUK, BO, and the Knot Sisters (MONA and YULI) are all performing.]_

_BEAU_                         _[To KIRI]_ Hey Kiri, who’s that lady over there?

 

_KIRI_                            Lady Yasha! Very sweet.

 

_BEAU_                         Holy shit, she’s really fucking hot.

I bet her arms could snap me like a twig.

Keg whomst? My mind is only on this girl

Whose musculature does make me weep so,

The happy tears of a poor fool in love!

 

_NOTT_                       By thunder, I think that’s a Cobalt Monk!

Godsdamnit, where the fuck’s my crossbow.

It’s fucking rude to go where not invited,

So as I see it, I get a fair shot!

 

_GUSTAV_                  Peace, Nott! Why-ever are you up in arms?

 

_NOTT_                       A Cobalt Monk is stole into our house!

This celebration is for us, not them.

 

_GUSTAV_                  Oh, it’s Beauregard.

 

_NOTT_                       Aye, it’s her.

 

_GUSTAV_                  Ah, let her alone, it’s carnival!

She’s owned of some respect in this dear town,

And I’ll not have her harmed under my tent.

Pay her no mind, and forget she is here.

Put down your bow, and wipe your frown away.

 

_NOTT_                       I will keep frowning while she stays our guest.

 

_GUSTAV_                  I said to leave her be, and so you shall.

Don’t go and make a fool of you and I

By strutting forth to engage in conflict

With such a… pleasant guest of high regard.

 

_NOTT_                       I’ll drink to take the edge off of my anger,

But I will not forget this monk’s trespass.

 

_[Exit]_

 

_BEAU_                         _[To YASHA]_ Hey girl, you’re lookin’ really swell tonight.

 

_YASHA_                      Um, thanks.

 

_BEAU                        [Aside]_ “You’re looking really swell”?? What nonsense comes

From woman-addled brain. You useless sod!

_[To YASHA]_ How goes this carnival for you tonight?

 

_YASHA_                      Well.

 

_BEAU_                         Uh, it, goes well too for me of late?

Damn it, Beau, why phrase that like a question?

Uh, dear lady please forgive my prattle,

It’s just that your great beauty stops my mind

So much so that my tongue gets no direction,

And “kiss the girl”’s the only thought that’s left.

It does not translate well into my speech,

And so I’m left to look here like a dumbass.

 

_YASHA_                      Oh—

 

_BEAU_                         Look, lady, I would climb you like a tree,

But, if you would just dance with me a while?

The show’d be better seen curled in your arms.

 

_YASHA_                      Oh, I see. The charge will be five gold.

 

_BEAU_                         Dear gods above I would I had five gold.

Shit, I think Nott is coming, I must go,

But first, what be the surcharge for a kiss?

 

_YASHA_                      More than you can afford, I think. But wait.

Here’s something freely given by my lips.

 

_BEAU_                         Sweet Ioun I’m undone by such a kiss!

 

_CALEB_ Ah, Yasha, Desmond does request a word.

 

_BEAU_ Wait, lady, are you heiress of this house??

 

_CALEB_                      Ja, she’s that.

 

_BEAU_                         Fuck, I kissed a Fletching-Moondrop girl.

 

_FJORD_                     Uh Beau, we’d best be gone, the jig is up!

_BEAU_                         Yeah, I think it’s good that we were gone…

 

_GUSTAV_                  Friends, though the show is ended, do not part!

We’ve prepared a feast within the house.

But if you all must leave, well, then goodnight.

 

_[Exeunt all but YASHA and CALEB]_

_YASHA_                      Caleb, who was that lady, who was here?

 

_CALEB_                      Beauregard, of yonder Cobalt House.

 

_YASHA_                      And she’s not married?

 

_CALEB_                      With her temperament?

 

_YASHA_                      I liked her temper fine, thought it endearing.

It’s right annoying that she is a monk.

Although, they are known to be quite flexible…

 

_CALEB_                      …Ja…I see, the lady has some effect

On your usually graven countenance.

Be you in love?

 

_YASHA_                      Um, that remains. To be seen.

 

_[One calls within “Yasha”]_

_CALEB_                      Oh! Let’s go, I think Beauregard’s gone.

 

_[Exeunt]_

**Author's Note:**

> So, that's Act I down; Act II is in progress, comments would be much appreciated, here or on my tumblr, also @legalgood.


End file.
